I would like to address the recent slander circulating on social media, in editorial Slack channels, and in the margins of otherwise decent Substack newsletters. Specifically, the baseless, libelous accusation that my usage is a telltale sign of artificial intelligence.

Listen here, my good bitch.

You might’ve read about it—The Guardian ran the piece just yesterday:

“Flamstead man catches hawk that had been attacking villagers for weeks.”

Straightforward enough. Dozens of residents ducking and dodging a rogue bird with an attitude. One fellow ended up in hospital. Another swore the thing took his pie mid-sentence.

But what The Guardian didn’t print is what happened next.